I was sat in my box on rainy afternoon and I decided it was time to redecorate. I stared at the bright and sickly sweet, colourful yellow walls and the carpet, a rich sky blue colour, all fluffy and soft. This box wasnt mine, it didnt feel real, it felt like it belonged to someone else. I sat on the floor and contemplated, although being left alone with my own mind is never a spectacularly brilliant idea. After careful pondering it was decided and I set to work on painting over the sunshine coloured walls.

   For three days I worked on transforming this unfamiliar place into somewhere I felt at ease and at home.  Two walls I painted dark red with veins that seeped blood red paint; the others were black, darkest matte black. The floor was now bare and only a few spots of paint adorned the wooden boards, these sinister looking stains added to the eerie aura. I sat admiring my handiwork and finally felt at home in my box, my four walls. No doors, no windows and those walls that close in if you stare at them for long enough. As I waited for the voices to begin their taunts I watched the veins pulsate and bleed.

   Home at last.

I know that youre both disappointed in me,

After all that I've done how could you not be?

You have to know I have feelings too,

I'll never be you,

 I'll never be you,

The way that you look,

Makes me so aware,

How much you hate me,

You think I dont care,

Every disappointed frown,

Every sigh of despair,

You make me always wish,

Wish I wasnt there,

The things that you say,

The anger on your face,

Makes me realise,

To you I'm a disgrace,

I'm sorry I guess,

For the trouble I cause,

I'm sorry, so sorry

For starting those wars,

Slowly I'm healing and one day you will see,

I'll never be you,

I'll always be me.

And I want to believe in myself.
Instead of wishing on stars

And also I wish I could write exactly what's in my heart
And write in such a way that people are affected
And feel something in their throat and stomach
And they think a bit
And their perception on something is altered
if, for a moment.
I want so fucking much.
And I'm never going to get it.
Because I dont deserve it.